We met online on a popular dating app, the same way many millennials now date. It was in February when we had our first date. I remember the snow fall had created the perfect winter wonderland. We had sushi at a nearby Hibachi restaurant with endless conversation and shared interests. There weren’t any awkward pauses or inappropriate comments/behavior. We ended up staying until the restaurant was closing. Against my general rule of not kissing on the first date, I kissed him goodnight.A few days later followed our second date and before I knew it (months later) we were in a relationship with boundaries defined and intentions clear. We had a lot in common and spent our time wisely since we both worked demanding jobs and couldn’t see each other without committing to being present in the relationship. Thursdays were our days together. We spent time on long drives to different places, sharing our love of the outdoors, and on my birthday he treated me to a picnic date at one of my favorite places, Longwood Gardens.
How then did I come to the conclusion that I wanted out of my relationship? Well as the relationship progressed I realized that:
HE WASN’T MOTIVATED TO BE BETTER IN LIFE
Mind you, I has just entered my mid 20’s and him in his late 20’s. I realize success isn’t something that happens overnight yet alone at such young ages, but I felt I was motivated in life to do more. I had dreams that I wanted to accomplish and a destination for my life prior to dating him. I didn’t feel it necessary to let go of those dreams but rather, help each other reach our full potential by supporting and striving for our dreams together. As I later found out, he did not share that sentiment. He was content with his entry-level mediocre job and didn’t really think he was capable of accomplishing more. I have to say that was a really big turn off for me.
HE STOPPED PUTTING IN EFFORT/TOOK ME FOR GRANTED
Now several more months into the relationship, all those things we had in common and sharing our interests stopped. Hanging out consisted of him playing video games and me watching tv with his dog (I loved his dog). This became the new normal and whenever I voiced complaint or boredom, the remedy was going window shopping and coming right back home. I felt bored and trapped and struggled to understand how we had gotten here so fast. We had only been dating a couple of months and didn’t think a connection with someone could fade so fast.
HE HURT MY FEELINGS AND DIDN’T CARE
During a brief misunderstanding, he made some comments that hurt my feelings. The idea that someone you open up to and share intimated thoughts and feelings could betray your trust by throwing those details in your face later left a lasting impression on me. Honestly it was my biggest factor in later deciding to leave the relationship. The biggest insult of all was that he later let me know that he hadn’t given it anymore thought after the fact and had simply gone to sleep soon afterwards. It made it clear that he didn’t really care about me or my feelings and that he was a selfish, narcissistic man-child who refused to grow up (the worst kind).
EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS MY FAULT
As in any relationship, we had our ups and downs. Some were my fault and others his. The difference in how we handled those moments couldn’t have been more eye opening. Although I sometimes had trouble expressing my thoughts and needed time to collect them, when I was wrong, I apologized and sought to make things right. His solution? List all the ways his way was right and what I could have done to make things better (reference selfish and narcissistic above). He didn’t compromise and I always felt like I was always fighting a losing battle. Due to the slight age different (3 years isn’t that much) he saw himself as more experienced and wise, which led him to discount my thoughts and feelings as immature.
At this point, any affection I had for him had already disappeared and we parted ways soon after. I was left disoriented at how something which had seemed so right had taken such a turn for the worse. I felt duped, frustrated and betrayed. I learned to take my time in relationships to really get to know someone (which I did) and that it’s important to be able to see past someone’s faults, and love them anyway in order to be in long lasting, satisfying relationship. For him, I couldn’t do that and that’s okay because it’s also important to know your limits and when to walk away and to put your happiness first.
Read more on how we date below: